fruit slices // tanasha

Alice in Chains, 4/16/10.

Setlist:
1. All Secrets Known
2. It Ain't Like That
3. Again
4. Check My Brain
5. Them Bones
6. Dam That River
7. Rain When I Die
8. Your Decision
9. Got Me Wrong
10. God Smack
11. A Looking in View
12. Nutshell
13. Sickman
14. Grind
15. Lesson Learned
16. Acid Bubble
17. Angry Chair
18. Man in the Box
20. Would?
21. Rooster

Had an amazing, incredible time. So sad to hear some of those songs and think that Layne isn't there. Left me feeling really weird, and in slight tears during some of it. Anyway, had a really good time with great company. I have yet to see a band, aside from AIC, who show so much genuine appreciation for their fans. Later on, I looked up some interviews with them, and it's even more apparent. It isn't their music, it's the fans' music. They make it so painfully obvious, and not a lot of people do show that gratitude. Also, for once, no assholes slam-dancing. It was appreciation to and from, and left me feeling amazed. Never seen that before.
fruit slices // tanasha

Ugh.

I can't stand when I see people who are abusing their fucking children, and they know it, but continue to do stupid things constantly. I am so glad that I am of sound mind and judgment. I truly do care for my son and I don't understand why anyone would willingly subject their children to things they are NOT supposed to, or play with their life like that. It honest to god blows my mind.

Some people are NOT to be parents. Really.
fruit slices // tanasha

Jimmy...

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adding texts later.

Me: i can't imagine what my life wouldve been like in april of 04 without you in it. i mean, idk how much i let on but i was suicidal as shit back then. and there was so much back and forth between jeremy & nick that just drove me crazy. you were the only constant person. and you never let me down.
Jimmy: You didn't let it on too much. You didn't play it off as well as you thought either
Jimmy: That sucks. I felt like I was constantly letting you down. I could never bring myself to say how I felt ever, about anything. Even though I knew you really wanted me to.
Me: yeah. i think i was crying for help. hah.
Jimmy: Why?
Me: what i wanted more than anything was a friend who was an unconditional support and you were. and its something ill never forget, and regret taking for granted. everyone had their own agenda. nick and jeremy were selfish, but you werent. idk... easy to see now.
Jimmy: I don't know what to say. Other than that I love you more than you can understand and more than I can understand.
Me: me too. do you know how hard it is to listen to certain things without thinking about you? haha. a lot worse for me, prob. but like abbey road, final cut / the wall, tool, and the feeling I get when I think of you... is probably similar, if not equal, to the feeling i get when i hear nobody home.
Jimmy: Lol why do you think its any worse for you. I dont even listen to those albums anymore
Me: cause i figure im not something you give much thought without being prompted. but you will randomly come up in my mind during certain situations, or songs. and I think that feeling is just hopelessness. god, i have missed you for quite a long time.
Jimmy: Lol it takes nothing. I think of you so often its dumb
Me: honestly? thats hard to believe. are you serious?
Jimmy: Yeah. Im not bullshitting.
Me: I think we should make a pact to always remain in one anothers lives... cause, yeah. same here. i mean, the past hour has just been a rollercoaster of emotions. hurt that we didnt talk, upset that i took you for granted, ecstatic that im getting it all out now. like happy/sad tears combined. it just feels warm right now. like, i'd really love to hug you right now. you mean the world to me, jimmy. i hope you never forget that.
Jimmy: You're telling me. Its even emptier when youre not a part of my life
Me: i'm happy that i know you. and you can always sleep rest assured youve positively impacted someones life. i think thats a mindblowing accomplishment. the biggest.
Jimmy: Goddamnit man, id try to one up you but i cant you took the words out of my mouth and said them better than i ever could. All of it.
Jimmy: I need you in my life. I guess thats the best i can say. I really do.
Me: Thats good, because i need you in mine too.
Jimmy: Still havent met a girl worthy enough though.
Me: you'll find her, some day. maybe she'll be reading a serial killer book in a book store. :P
Me: i was talking to you the first time a certain set of lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks. from you never give me your money. 'one sweet dream, pick up the bags and get in the limosine. soon we'll be away from here. step on the gas and wipe that tear away. one sweet dream came true today.' great memory.
Jimmy: why?
Me: it was just a hopeful lyric and we were listening together and suddenly a little piece of me didn't seem so lost, i guess. idk. i think listening to music and discussing it at the same time was a form of therapy.
Jimmy: I didnt even realize i needed things like that in my life. But I did and I'd probably be fucked if i had not had it.
Jimmy: Like what you were talking about. Listening to music together and shit. Having a real friend.
fruit slices // tanasha

(no subject)

Earlier today, Jordan had his second round of shots at the doctor's. Dr. Rok gave us the okay to start feeding him vegetables and fruits, so our first experiment was green beans. He really liked it, and I was so surprised. We wont know if he's allergic to anything until the second or third time we introduce the same food to him, so I'm going to give it to him again today. He was actually very good about receiving his shots today. The assistant nurse was impressed and said "Wow... no loud ringing in my ears!" She also said since he didn't have a fever with his last set of shots, that it's unlikely he will this time. Anyway, I hope he doesn't end up being allergic to anything. I just don't want anything to sort of inconvenience him, y'know? My little cousin is allergic to peanuts and it's a pain to see what her mom goes through. And god forbid they make anything in a factory that doesn't also process peanuts. Sheeeeeeesh.

Dr. Rok said his weight was "okay" (which I knew would happen, anyway. I keep telling John he is too skinny.) He is only fourteen pounds - so his weight hasn't even doubled yet, from birth. I don't know at which point it is supposed to double, but whatever. Lots of parents feed their infants crap they aren't supposed to, and we've been going by doctors orders. So, he should be gaining some more weight here soon now that he's eating food in addition to drinking formula. :) He ended up measuring 26 inches, which is 6 inches more than at birth. I am getting fairly tired, so I'm going to lay with him on the couch now.
fruit slices // tanasha

(no subject)

Jordan's off to grandma and grandpa's. I miss him already. Jeez, I never thought I could become so attached to a person before. Being a mother is so fucking incredible. I think of taking ecstasy now and I just laugh. Don't get me wrong, I still see so much amazing potential in ecstasy and do think that lots of people should experience it... but there is still no feeling that matches this particular one. It's unbelievable. I'm so grateful that little Jordan David is in my life. God, I just wish my Uncle Dave could have met him... or my grandmother. It breaks my heart to see my grandfather playing with Jordan and smiling with him, because I immediately think of how my grandmother would interact with him. Remember, she practically raised me. God. You know, I don't often think about it when it comes to my family, but I am SO blessed to have them. I always think "I had really great teachers, I had a great childhood, etc." but I never find myself saying that I have a great family. I do, though. They are priceless. Even all of my extended family. I can't think of one person in my family that I don't appreciate, or that I'm not grateful for. Not ONE. I know so many people who don't talk to their moms, cousins, aunts, in laws, etc. It's so heart breaking. Family is what is always supposed to be there for you, around you... so many people take that aspect for granted, though. And then when a person dies, they're miserable. They have all of these "what if" moments, and resentment towards themselves (and possibly the deceased) for a failed relationship. I just can't imagine it ever being that way with anyone in my family, y'know?

I just can't stop thinking about death anymore, ever since Uncle David died. I guess because I kind of saw him as immortal, all these years. When you're a kid, naturally you think about your grandparents going someday. You think they're the first to go, if anyone. Then your godfather passes away, who is a straight replica of your own father... and you're just left a shell, man. You keep thinking about your own dad dying and it breaks your heart every single time you think about it. How do I stop it? I really don't know. It's killing me. It really is breaking my heart every single time I think about it, and when I see him kissing Jordan and saying "Grandpa loves you! Bye bye!" Ugh, WHY?! We all talk about how rape and murder is so horrible, and heartless, but isn't death too? Why do people have to fucking die? I'm sick of thinking of it. I'm so sick of it! And as if that isn't enough, you have to break your back paying for their funeral and services. You pay to have them embalmed, drained of their blood, and dressed up, stiff as a board. My goodness. When my father passes away, find me a fucking rubber room. Put me straight away from my son so he doesn't see how fucking weak and feeble I will be. I'll be an immediate mess, from start to finish... only there wont be a finish. I'll be a mess from here on out. Just like I am right now. I'm a mess underneath this happy sunshine exterior, with thoughts like this. I know you can only live in the now, and appreciate the now, and let him know how I feel... but for fuck's sake. It kills me. It really, really kills me. I can't STOP thinking about it. UGH!!!!!!!!! UGH UGH UGH. Maybe Facebook will distract me. I'll go play on there before I have a nervous fit.