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(draw conclusions on the wall.)

[31 May 2010|03:48pm]
and in the end, the love you take
is equal to the love you make.

(draw conclusions on the wall.)

It's fascinating, incredibly amazing how a person can go from A to B. [24 Apr 2010|06:03am]

Makes me wonder where so many other musicians and humans would be if they could overcome and fight their addictions like this.

(3 artists | draw conclusions on the wall.)

Alice in Chains, 4/16/10. [19 Apr 2010|03:25pm]
1. All Secrets Known
2. It Ain't Like That
3. Again
4. Check My Brain
5. Them Bones
6. Dam That River
7. Rain When I Die
8. Your Decision
9. Got Me Wrong
10. God Smack
11. A Looking in View
12. Nutshell
13. Sickman
14. Grind
15. Lesson Learned
16. Acid Bubble
17. Angry Chair
18. Man in the Box
20. Would?
21. Rooster

Had an amazing, incredible time. So sad to hear some of those songs and think that Layne isn't there. Left me feeling really weird, and in slight tears during some of it. Anyway, had a really good time with great company. I have yet to see a band, aside from AIC, who show so much genuine appreciation for their fans. Later on, I looked up some interviews with them, and it's even more apparent. It isn't their music, it's the fans' music. They make it so painfully obvious, and not a lot of people do show that gratitude. Also, for once, no assholes slam-dancing. It was appreciation to and from, and left me feeling amazed. Never seen that before.

(draw conclusions on the wall.)

Ugh. [30 Mar 2010|09:46pm]
I can't stand when I see people who are abusing their fucking children, and they know it, but continue to do stupid things constantly. I am so glad that I am of sound mind and judgment. I truly do care for my son and I don't understand why anyone would willingly subject their children to things they are NOT supposed to, or play with their life like that. It honest to god blows my mind.

Some people are NOT to be parents. Really.

(1 artist | draw conclusions on the wall.)

Jimmy... [28 Feb 2010|01:12pm]
conversation with jimmy, 2/28/10Collapse )

adding texts later.

Me: i can't imagine what my life wouldve been like in april of 04 without you in it. i mean, idk how much i let on but i was suicidal as shit back then. and there was so much back and forth between jeremy & nick that just drove me crazy. you were the only constant person. and you never let me down.
Jimmy: You didn't let it on too much. You didn't play it off as well as you thought either
Jimmy: That sucks. I felt like I was constantly letting you down. I could never bring myself to say how I felt ever, about anything. Even though I knew you really wanted me to.
Me: yeah. i think i was crying for help. hah.
Jimmy: Why?
Me: what i wanted more than anything was a friend who was an unconditional support and you were. and its something ill never forget, and regret taking for granted. everyone had their own agenda. nick and jeremy were selfish, but you werent. idk... easy to see now.
Jimmy: I don't know what to say. Other than that I love you more than you can understand and more than I can understand.
Me: me too. do you know how hard it is to listen to certain things without thinking about you? haha. a lot worse for me, prob. but like abbey road, final cut / the wall, tool, and the feeling I get when I think of you... is probably similar, if not equal, to the feeling i get when i hear nobody home.
Jimmy: Lol why do you think its any worse for you. I dont even listen to those albums anymore
Me: cause i figure im not something you give much thought without being prompted. but you will randomly come up in my mind during certain situations, or songs. and I think that feeling is just hopelessness. god, i have missed you for quite a long time.
Jimmy: Lol it takes nothing. I think of you so often its dumb
Me: honestly? thats hard to believe. are you serious?
Jimmy: Yeah. Im not bullshitting.
Me: I think we should make a pact to always remain in one anothers lives... cause, yeah. same here. i mean, the past hour has just been a rollercoaster of emotions. hurt that we didnt talk, upset that i took you for granted, ecstatic that im getting it all out now. like happy/sad tears combined. it just feels warm right now. like, i'd really love to hug you right now. you mean the world to me, jimmy. i hope you never forget that.
Jimmy: You're telling me. Its even emptier when youre not a part of my life
Me: i'm happy that i know you. and you can always sleep rest assured youve positively impacted someones life. i think thats a mindblowing accomplishment. the biggest.
Jimmy: Goddamnit man, id try to one up you but i cant you took the words out of my mouth and said them better than i ever could. All of it.
Jimmy: I need you in my life. I guess thats the best i can say. I really do.
Me: Thats good, because i need you in mine too.
Jimmy: Still havent met a girl worthy enough though.
Me: you'll find her, some day. maybe she'll be reading a serial killer book in a book store. :P
Me: i was talking to you the first time a certain set of lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks. from you never give me your money. 'one sweet dream, pick up the bags and get in the limosine. soon we'll be away from here. step on the gas and wipe that tear away. one sweet dream came true today.' great memory.
Jimmy: why?
Me: it was just a hopeful lyric and we were listening together and suddenly a little piece of me didn't seem so lost, i guess. idk. i think listening to music and discussing it at the same time was a form of therapy.
Jimmy: I didnt even realize i needed things like that in my life. But I did and I'd probably be fucked if i had not had it.
Jimmy: Like what you were talking about. Listening to music together and shit. Having a real friend.

(1 artist | draw conclusions on the wall.)

[26 Feb 2010|04:50am]
Earlier today, Jordan had his second round of shots at the doctor's. Dr. Rok gave us the okay to start feeding him vegetables and fruits, so our first experiment was green beans. He really liked it, and I was so surprised. We wont know if he's allergic to anything until the second or third time we introduce the same food to him, so I'm going to give it to him again today. He was actually very good about receiving his shots today. The assistant nurse was impressed and said "Wow... no loud ringing in my ears!" She also said since he didn't have a fever with his last set of shots, that it's unlikely he will this time. Anyway, I hope he doesn't end up being allergic to anything. I just don't want anything to sort of inconvenience him, y'know? My little cousin is allergic to peanuts and it's a pain to see what her mom goes through. And god forbid they make anything in a factory that doesn't also process peanuts. Sheeeeeeesh.

Dr. Rok said his weight was "okay" (which I knew would happen, anyway. I keep telling John he is too skinny.) He is only fourteen pounds - so his weight hasn't even doubled yet, from birth. I don't know at which point it is supposed to double, but whatever. Lots of parents feed their infants crap they aren't supposed to, and we've been going by doctors orders. So, he should be gaining some more weight here soon now that he's eating food in addition to drinking formula. :) He ended up measuring 26 inches, which is 6 inches more than at birth. I am getting fairly tired, so I'm going to lay with him on the couch now.

(draw conclusions on the wall.)

digging through some of my old stuff, i found "poems" (if you'd call them that) [11 Feb 2010|12:05pm]
1998 & 1999Collapse )

(draw conclusions on the wall.)

Ask me questions! :D [06 Feb 2010|08:34am]

(1 artist | draw conclusions on the wall.)

[05 Feb 2010|06:50am]
And the green grass grows all around, all around, and the green grass grows all around. :)

(1 artist | draw conclusions on the wall.)

[30 Jan 2010|10:44am]
Jordan's off to grandma and grandpa's. I miss him already. Jeez, I never thought I could become so attached to a person before. Being a mother is so fucking incredible. I think of taking ecstasy now and I just laugh. Don't get me wrong, I still see so much amazing potential in ecstasy and do think that lots of people should experience it... but there is still no feeling that matches this particular one. It's unbelievable. I'm so grateful that little Jordan David is in my life. God, I just wish my Uncle Dave could have met him... or my grandmother. It breaks my heart to see my grandfather playing with Jordan and smiling with him, because I immediately think of how my grandmother would interact with him. Remember, she practically raised me. God. You know, I don't often think about it when it comes to my family, but I am SO blessed to have them. I always think "I had really great teachers, I had a great childhood, etc." but I never find myself saying that I have a great family. I do, though. They are priceless. Even all of my extended family. I can't think of one person in my family that I don't appreciate, or that I'm not grateful for. Not ONE. I know so many people who don't talk to their moms, cousins, aunts, in laws, etc. It's so heart breaking. Family is what is always supposed to be there for you, around you... so many people take that aspect for granted, though. And then when a person dies, they're miserable. They have all of these "what if" moments, and resentment towards themselves (and possibly the deceased) for a failed relationship. I just can't imagine it ever being that way with anyone in my family, y'know?

I just can't stop thinking about death anymore, ever since Uncle David died. I guess because I kind of saw him as immortal, all these years. When you're a kid, naturally you think about your grandparents going someday. You think they're the first to go, if anyone. Then your godfather passes away, who is a straight replica of your own father... and you're just left a shell, man. You keep thinking about your own dad dying and it breaks your heart every single time you think about it. How do I stop it? I really don't know. It's killing me. It really is breaking my heart every single time I think about it, and when I see him kissing Jordan and saying "Grandpa loves you! Bye bye!" Ugh, WHY?! We all talk about how rape and murder is so horrible, and heartless, but isn't death too? Why do people have to fucking die? I'm sick of thinking of it. I'm so sick of it! And as if that isn't enough, you have to break your back paying for their funeral and services. You pay to have them embalmed, drained of their blood, and dressed up, stiff as a board. My goodness. When my father passes away, find me a fucking rubber room. Put me straight away from my son so he doesn't see how fucking weak and feeble I will be. I'll be an immediate mess, from start to finish... only there wont be a finish. I'll be a mess from here on out. Just like I am right now. I'm a mess underneath this happy sunshine exterior, with thoughts like this. I know you can only live in the now, and appreciate the now, and let him know how I feel... but for fuck's sake. It kills me. It really, really kills me. I can't STOP thinking about it. UGH!!!!!!!!! UGH UGH UGH. Maybe Facebook will distract me. I'll go play on there before I have a nervous fit.

(1 artist | draw conclusions on the wall.)

[30 Jan 2010|07:05am]
Jordan's sleeping with daddy right now (and has been for the past couple of hours.) I'm really bored, but Tanasha's keeping me occupied with conversation. :D Other than that, just waiting for one of these boogers to wake up and keep me company!

The toilet has been broken for over a month now. It isn't completely broken, but a piece inside of the tank snapped, so now you have to manually pull the chain in order to flush it. It isn't all that much of a big deal or hassle, but I don't want company to have to go through that. Sometime last month, I sent an email to the maintenance department of the complex and wrote about it, and gave them John's number to call. I did that because I was going to sleep and I knew he'd be up during the morning / early afternoon. For some reason, he keeps his volume off, even though I tell him they're going to call. They end up calling me several times after that (and only calling John once.) I'm like, WTF? His name and number is on file, why are they calling me?! I asked John to call them every day after that, before I went to bed, and here we are... almost February and it still isn't fixed. When he went to drop off the rent yesterday, he told them and also that he would be home all day. No one came by!!! I'm so annoyed with these people, but it looks like we're going to renew our lease here. It will be $23 more a month - at $853. Not really looking forward to that, but I suppose it's better than hiring a truck to move everything, etc. Next year, we'll definitely HAVE to move because Jordan needs his own room.

Anyway, yesterday I kept getting calls while I was sleeping from a Texas number. Immediately, I thought it was one of the maintenance guys using a TX cell. I looked it up online and it said a land line in TX, so that threw my theory out of the window. I had Jess call them, and it turns out they're a company offering free Pampers. That's fine, okay... but DO NOT call me two hours on the dot for TEN HOURS straight! ESPECIALLY if you know I'm a new mom! WTF is wrong with these people?! Whoever signed me up for this crap, thanks, but giving them my real number was very unnecessary... and now ANNOYING. >< I don't want to lose it when I pick up the phone, but I have a feeling I might. Seriously! Two hours every hour! I know it's their job, but it doesn't make it any less annoying or invasive. It would have been nice if they just left a message, and said "we'll try to reach you at another time" or "please give us a call back." Not calling you all day! Who does that?! LOL. Even creditors call you only ONCE a day. GRRRR!

(2 artists | draw conclusions on the wall.)

[20 Dec 2009|11:27pm]
Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In June I bought porn for meow2you (-10 points). Last Saturday I saved a busload of nuns in Angola (326 points). Last Monday six_demon_bag and I robbed a bank (-50 points). In March I gave morning_stand a wet willie, then I took it back (-5 points). In May I pulled sacred_vision's hair (-5 points).

Overall, I've been nice (256 points). For Christmas I deserve a Lego set!


Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

(3 artists | draw conclusions on the wall.)

[14 Nov 2009|09:24pm]
oh my god. how do you tell someone their baby is absolutely god fucking awful ugly? seriously. i try to say nice shit, but i hate to lie.

(1 artist | draw conclusions on the wall.)

[26 Sep 2009|08:30am]
Well, I found some Halloween decorations. Not what I'd really prefer, but better than nothing. I went to several stores and they all basically had a bunch of junk. I did end up finding a really nice record store. I'll have to go back when I'm not pregnant because I was sweating just standing there. They have a shitload of vinyl, and a full crate of Beatles stuff. :D

I woke up to a freezing house! It's in the 30's today which is a huge switch from the way things have been (like I said, sweating in the shop yesterday!) Anyway, not much to really say. A little pointless entry.

(draw conclusions on the wall.)

[22 Sep 2009|12:59pm]
I really, really want to find Halloween decorations for the walls. Tried Walmart and they had absolute shit. I'm talking about the decorations that your elementary school classroom had, y'know... where do I get them from!?

(8 artists | draw conclusions on the wall.)

I made one! [15 Sep 2009|04:44am]
I've taken the advice of six_demon_bag and made a playlist thinger. Yay!

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

(4 artists | draw conclusions on the wall.)

[14 Sep 2009|03:24am]
Yeah, okay. I didn't watch the VMA's except for a link to the video where Taylor wins best video or whatever it is. I don't like Kanye, Taylor Swift OR Beyonce... but seriously? What the hell is wrong with that dumbass?! Beyonce looked completely embarrassed, and Taylor looked shocked as hell! Who knows... could've been one of those rehearsed gems that they throw in there to make a buzz over the video awards, like every year.

Rest in peace, Tupac!

(3 artists | draw conclusions on the wall.)

[12 Sep 2009|09:47am]
This is how amazing and brilliant the minds behind Youtube are. They will remove videos that they could potentially be sued for, due to copyright infringement by recording and film corporations, but wont remove a tasteless, blatantly satirical video like this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AYujWCCHRk&feature=channel_page

(2 artists | draw conclusions on the wall.)

ARGH. [11 Sep 2009|11:52am]
Only 20 more payments to make on my car. It feels like I've been paying the damn thing FOREVER. Will it ever end?!

(10 artists | draw conclusions on the wall.)

Come on, already! [11 Sep 2009|12:42am]
I left work early last night because I got a really sharp, intense pain in my pelvic region while I was sitting at lunch. I got up, walked out into the hallway and the pain became even more intense to the point that I couldn't walk. John went and told Nancy, who then asked him "Why is she still even working?! She should be home!" and told him to get me a wheel chair. Then we punched out and went home. Nancy also asked me why I was still working.

I dropped off my papers on Tuesday morning and haven't received a call back yet to go pick them up. I'm going to call them tomorrow morning and see what the hold up is. I really don't understand why it takes so long for this fucking office to fill out about ten questions regarding my pregnancy and when I'm leaving work, etc. Especially since the date I put on the paper was the 16th, to start my leave, you think they'd stop half stepping!

Anyway, once I felt that pain I looked at my phone, which read 2:30. I've made it a point to tell myself to check the time anytime I feel any sort of pain, so I can time them if they end up being contractions or whatever.

My mom's talking about taking time off from work when I have the baby so she can help out. She didn't tell me this directly, but her best friend Sandy told me. Sandy also told me it'd be nice if I asked my mom if she'd like to be there when I deliver. I'm trying to think of the right words to say it... it's a little weird since my mom and I aren't all that close, but I might as well. What the hell do I have to lose?

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